Dada 2.0: Cuil Theory

Return of the Monday! Macht nix. Es ist die Zeit der Jahresrückblicke, oder zumindest für mich, für den das Jahr ja erst heute irgendwie beginnt, und auf reddit, meiner liebsten Informationsquelle, wurden die "Best Comments of 2008" gesucht. Einer davon ist es wert, mit Bewunderung und großen Augen angestaunt zu werden: Die Geburt der Cuil-Theory.

Cuil heißt eigentlich die Suchmaschine eines Ex-Google-Mitarbeiters, die sich anschickte, ein Stück vom Werbekuchenzu ergattern. Dass die Suchalgorithmen allerdings häufig recht wirres Zeug als Ergebnisse ausspuckten, führte dazu, dass die bekannt kreativ lästernden Kollektivhumoristen von reddit folgende neue Maßeinheit einführten:

One Cuil = One level of abstraction away from the reality of a situation.

EIn Beispiel beim Weiterlesen.

Example: You ask me for a Hamburger.

1 Cuil: if you asked me for a hamburger, and I gave you a raccoon.

2 Cuils: If you asked me for a hamburger, but it
turns out I don't really exist. Where I was originally standing, a
picture of a hamburger rests on the ground.

3 Cuils: You awake as a hamburger. You start screaming only to have special sauce fly from your lips. The world is in sepia.

4 Cuils: Why are we speaking German? A mime cries
softly as he cradles a young cow. Your grandfather stares at you as the
cow falls apart into patties. You look down only to see me with pickles
for eyes, I am singing the song that gives birth to the universe.

5 Cuils: You ask for a hamburger, I give you a
hamburger. You raise it to your lips and take a bite. Your eye twitches
involuntarily. Across the street a father of three falls down the
stairs. You swallow and look down at the hamburger in your hands. I
give you a hamburger. You swallow and look down at the hamburger in
your hands. You cannot swallow. There are children at the top of the
stairs. A pickle shifts uneasily under the bun. I give you a hamburger.
You look at my face, and I am pleading with you. The children are
crying now. You raise the hamburger to your lips, tears stream down
your face as you take a bite. I give you a hamburger. You are on your
knees. You plead with me to go across the street. I hear only
children's laughter. I give you a hamburger. You are screaming as you
fall down the stairs. I am your child. You cannot see anything. You
take a bite of the hamburger. The concrete rushes up to meet you. You
awake with a start in your own bed. Your eye twitches involuntarily. I
give you a hamburger. As you kill me, I do not make a sound. I give you
a hamburger.

6 Cuils: You ask me for a hamburger. My attempt to
reciprocate is cut brutally short as my body experiences a sudden lack
of electrons. Across a variety of hidden dimensions you are dismayed.
John Lennon hands me an apple, but it slips through my fingers. I am
reborn as an ocelot. You disapprove. A crack echoes through the
universe in defiance of conventional physics as cosmological background
noise shifts from randomness to a perfect A Flat. Children everywhere
stop what they are doing and hum along in perfect pitch with the
background radiation. Birds fall from the sky as the sun engulfs the
earth. You hesitate momentarily before allowing yourself to assume the
locus of all knowledge. Entropy crumbles as you peruse the information
contained within the universe. A small library in Phoenix ceases to
exist. You stumble under the weight of everythingness, Your mouth opens
up to cry out, and collapses around your body before blinking you out
of the spatial plane. You exist only within the fourth dimension. The
fountainhead of all knowledge rolls along the ground and collides with
a small dog. My head tastes sideways as spacetime is reestablished, you
blink back into the corporeal world disoriented, only for me to hand
you a hamburger as my body collapses under the strain of
reconstitution. The universe has reasserted itself. A particular small
dog is fed steak for the rest of its natural life. You die in a freak
accident moments later, and you soul works at the returns desk for the
Phoenix library. You disapprove. Your disapproval sends ripples through
the inter-dimensional void between life and death. A small child begins
to cry as he walks toward the stairway where his father stands.

Ganz Web, 2.0 gibt es natürlich inzwischen schon eine Wiki-Plattform, auf der die aufregende neue Theorie diskutiert und weitergeführt wird. Dada 2.0! Wenn das Web mal tatsächlich Bewusstsein erlangt, wird das wohl ein witziges Kerlchen werden. Schönen Montag noch!